


Imperfect

by Rhaella



Category: Doctrine of Labyrinths - Sarah Monette
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-12-20
Updated: 2010-12-20
Packaged: 2017-10-13 21:50:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/142078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rhaella/pseuds/Rhaella
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Grimglass coda. Happily ever after is a relative term.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Imperfect

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bluestalking](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluestalking/gifts).



Mildmay thinks it’s a fucking stupid idea.

He ain’t planning on saying so, of course, because that’s an even worse one, and he ain’t that dumb. Felix isn’t as quick to bite as he used to be, maybe, but Mildmay knows better than broaching a subject like _this_.

He ain’t even sure why he’s worried, or even which one of them he’s worried for. Felix’s been through more than enough tragedies as it is, and maybe he’s self-destructive as fuck about this sort of thing, but he’s also changed a bit in the time since Gideon died. Mildmay has to think that _maybe_ , this time, things will be different, and maybe moving on like this is for the best.

And if he’s worried about Kay, it’s only because he knows how Felix can be with the people he loves, and a handful of reading sessions has left him feeling vaguely protective of Kay. _Protective_ , of the Warden of Grimglass, , former rebel, military commander, whose new people were only now getting over their fear of him, and that’s probably the stupidest idea of all.

 _  
_***_   
_

Vanessa wonders if her marriage is not falling apart.

Shortly before they were married, he had told her that he was violet. He had also claimed that he had no lover, and Vanessa had never truly considered the possibility that that might change. She had never considered that she would spend sleepless nights contemplating the political ramifications if this should be made public – for herself, for her son, for Grimglass, for Kay himself, even if he no longer cares about his reputation.

She is not jealous, per se, but she is proud. She is not in love with him, has never hoped to be in love with him, but neglected wife is a role she had never planned to play.

She has asked for discretion, at the least, and has mostly received it, from Kay if not always from Virtuer Harrowgate. Vanessa frowns at the mere thought of the man; she can forgive Kay his peculiarities, as she has learned to forgive her brother Oliver and his lover, but Harrowgate…

He is nothing if not perfectly courteous, and he does not _exactly_ flaunt it, but there is a ruthlessly unapologetic edge to him that makes her feel like a stranger in her own home. They treat each other coolly – formally – at need, but his name is otherwise taboo. Felix Harrowgate has become a cancer at the heart of their marriage, a topic carefully avoided, as if refusing to acknowledge it will prevent the eventual eruption.

 _  
_***_   
_

“I will never understand the Corambine theory of organization,” Felix announces, a breathless note of frustration in his voice. He had flown into Kay’s study – as he so often does these days – commandeered Julian’s desk, and by the rustle of papers, was looking through notes of some kind.

“Two years and I have only begun to make sense of these records. Although ‘records’ is too kind a word for this chaotic wreck.” Felix pauses for a moment, and the slightly bitter smile can practically be heard in his voice. “Nobody has ever catalogued Grice’s papers, Hutchence said. I can’t _possibly_ begin to imagine why."

“Have been informed at length that the library is still in terrible disrepair,” Kay replies neutrally. According to Vanessa, her late husband had had little use for books. Kay himself likewise largely avoids the room, sending Julian to obtain anything he requires.

“The last books ordered from Esmer never arrived,” Felix explains. “I imagine the delivery person found that he had better places to be than Grimglass.” There is a sardonic note in the last phrase, a touch of brittleness that troubles Kay somewhat. It has not taken Felix very long to grow weary of Grimglass. The lighthouse is a welcome distraction, but it is obvious that it is not enough to build a life upon.

“Hast read the newest missive from Darne?”

“No,” Felix replies. “I haven’t.” A soft rustle of clothing as he shifts slightly, reaching across the desk to pick up the letter in question. A moment of silence before he starts laughing, a touch darkly. “Oh, this is too much. He’s bought the allegiance of one of Rodger’s brothers after all, has he?” Felix seems as intrigued, and significantly less frustrated, by the political situation as by the research on the lighthouse. “This will end beautifully.”

“Indeed. Vanessa…” a split second’s hesitation, “is furious. Has a small legion of attorneys handling the conflict.”

Felix does not reply immediately, but he shifts his chair again and is suddenly rather closer than propriety would demand. Felix does not wear the heavy perfumes that make it so easy to tell exactly where Vanessa is, but Kay can hear him breathing – can practically feel him breathing – more loudly, more quickly, than before.

From the crackle of paper, Felix has likely refolded the letter and set it back upon the table. It is impossible to determine whether he is thinking of the increasingly problematic situation with Darne or of his own foundering relationship with Kay’s wife.

Neither is a problem that can be fixed in one day.

“Julian,” Kay finally says, and he can hear his secretary lurch to his feet on the other room – he suspects the child had been desperately pretending to be elsewhere, “an thou wouldst step outside for a moment?”

 _  
_***_   
_

“And Vanessa _knows?_ You’re lucky she hasn’t thrown you off the estate.”

Felix glowers at the Duke of Murtagh. “And why are you not discussing this with Kay, your Grace?” he demands, a touch too smoothly.

Murtagh – who has been visiting Grimglass for the first time this year – is silent for a moment, and Felix watches as an unidentifiable expression briefly crosses his face. “That… would be complicated,” he finally says. “This is much more entertaining.”

  _ _***__

Felix does not believe in true love, in soul mates, or in any other part of the idealistic dribble that characterizes the songs of poets.

If he did, he would wonder what _this_ is, as it is as far from perfect as any of his romances has been. There is too much they do not talk about; Felix speaks little about Gideon, Kay even less about Prince Gerrard. (Felix still only suspects, but it is an increasingly strong suspicion, and a boundary he is not willing to cross.) Vanessa watches them with a brittle tenseness. Mildmay refuses to say anything at all concerning the subject.

It is not perfect. He has still not recovered from his tragedy of an affair with Gideon, will likely never recover, and sometimes thinks that Gideon was the love of his life, if such things exist – even though he rationally knows that their relationship was also far from perfect, that he idealizes it now only because of what came after.

It is not perfect; Kay is annemer, even if he is rather more intelligent than many wizards that Felix has known. His interest in magic is genuine, and growing, even if he is more intrigued by the uses to which it may be put than to the nature of the magic itself. But Felix has had enough of practitioners, and doesn’t want a _replacement_ anyway.

It is not perfect, and it’s not always simple, but it’s easier than it has been in quite a long while, and Felix can’t help but think that that might make all the difference.


End file.
